I Did It!!

I gave myself my first injection. I called in to the doctor's office at 3:30 like I was supposed and got the dosage for the next few days. And I was doing ok all day, staying calm and thinking I could do it. But as I was getting everything ready and got the needle out, I started getting really worked up. It took me about 2 minutes to talk myself into it (it seemed like forever though) and I finally did it. It really wasn't too bad, but I still didn't like it. I iced the spot beforehand for a few minutes and did everything they taught me. It still hurt a bit and already has a tiny little bruise. I'm so proud of myself though. I never thought I would be able to do anything like this. I can't stand needles and even this morning as I was getting bloodwork, I still couldn't look when they do it. Oh well, I don't think I'll ever get used to this, but I am even more positive than before that this will work!!

Starting Over

Well my new cycle is starting up. I'm ready to start this craziness again, I'm just anxious for everything. It seems like these first two weeks will be so consumed with bloodwork, appts for ultrasounds, and trying to give myself these shots. No wonder those dealing with IF are so stressed. When everyday you have something to worry about or some appt to deal with, I can see how our lives can be so consumed with everything IF. This is something I'm going to try hard to avoid. I want these next two weeks to be as normal as possible. My birthday is next week. Patrick and I are starting the celebration early this weekend with a trip to the Melting Pot, which I am dying to try out. I think its going to be so much fun. Then my parents will be here the following weekend to celebrate and then the week after is St. Patrick's Day. I love the month of March so much, so hopefully all these distractions will keep my mind off everything and in a positive mood.

Definitely Not Pregnant

I went for my beta today. The doctor makes me confirm I'm not pregnant before starting Provera. I totally understand, but it doesn't make getting blood drawn any easier. I hate the experience. I hate that I have to hope that someone who knows what they're doing will draw my blood, I hate the waiting for the phone call from the nurse, and I hate that I actually think that a miracle has happened and I'm pregnant even though I know I did not ovulate. Anyway, I got lucky and got the older lady and not the new girl (who when I got there was having a hard time getting a poor lady's blood and kept apologizing). So thankfully, the older lady did it without a problem. Its still sore and will probably bruise, but not like the last time when this man totally bruised my arm up and down for weeks. It looked like I had been in a fight it was so bad.

So I sat here for 3 hours impatiently waiting for the nurse to call. I sat here getting myself excited thinking that the doctor's office had missed something earlier in the month and that maybe I did ovulate and we timed our random BDing perfectly. Finally, the phone rang at 3:30 with the answer I knew was coming but was still dreading...Not Pregnant. I hear it every month, but yet I still have reason to hope that something will be different. I like that I have hope...it keeps the innocence in this process. If I didn't have hope, I don't know how I would get through this. Being pessimistic has not gotten me anywhere and this is one thing that I truly need to be positive about. I'm so scared about this next step with injectibles, but I KNOW it will work. It has to work. I keep looking at this card my mom sent me that sits on my desk. It says, "Life is fragile, but Hope is Strong." I have to believe this.

Sick & Cranky

So, all weekend I was sick with a cough and sore throat. I was starting to feel better Sunday, but woke up Monday feeling even worse with congestion and couldn't breath. I don't even know how I got sick. That was the start to a rough day. Pat had a horrible time at school and had little things that kept going wrong, and when he came home it passed on to me. When I called to set up delivery of the meds for this cycle, they told me I had an $800 copay!! That was a huge surprise and they went on to tell me that my plan has a $2,500 cap on prescriptions, which was contrary to what the nurse told me at the REs. When I looked over the insurance materials, I saw that there really is a cap. So I called back wondering what the price of the 2 meds were and no one understood what I was looking for. They kept telling me how much I was responsible for...finally a woman got on who was a fertility specialist and understood what I meant, but was not very nice. It turns out that the nurse ordered 10 pens of the Gonal F since she had thought I had unlimited cap on prescriptions. Ok...that makes sense. (On a side note, the total cost of the 10 pens of Gonal F and 1 Ovidrel shot was over $3,900 - WOW!). By this time the REs office was closed, so I would have to wait to get an answer on that. So then I decided to go to the urgent care center to get an antibiotic for this cold or whatever that I woke up with. I get there and realize that I forgot my wallet at home from when I was making phone calls to the insurance company. They won't see me without photo id/insurance cards. I even offered to have Pat email it and they wouldn't let me. So I drove to meet Pat half way with my wallet and went back to wait 1.5 hours to be seen for 2 minutes and the doctor telling me I should really have a doctor in Buffalo that I see regularly. Well, yeah, I know that, but its a little late now. He goes on to say that its expensive to be seen here. Ok, but I have insurance. So he told me I have a sinus infection...no, I don't, but who cares, he gave me an antibiotic that I wanted and sent me on my way. THEN I went outside to see that the lights were on in the jeep...just great. I was there for close to 2 hrs, and no one came in and said anything. Luckily it started!! So I drove home and got myself some Panera and went to sleep.

Today was a much better day compared to yesterday. I talked to the nurse at the REs office and she said to only get 5 pens and that was much better, only $1,100 - I only had to pay the $30 copay. I did wake up feeling better and am able to go fill my antibiotic to make sure I get better. I just don't know what it is about the end of the month, but it always feels like things just pile on. I can usually handle it, but yesterday with being sick and everything I was a mess. I'm so lucky to have Pat who just put me to bed and made sure I was ok. I really am lucky and I know that, I just need this luck to come through in other parts of my life as well.

So We Made a Decision

So, I talked to Pat tonight about his thoughts. He is still not 100%, but feels like he may never be 100%. We decided to do 2 injectibles cycles and that is it for a very long time. By May, we will be moving somewhere (not sure where yet) and we will have alot of time to think if we are not pregnant. So we will do a cycle in March and April and that is it...we do not want to do anymore cycles after this, and we definitely do not want to move on IVF. Moving on means that we will need to save alot of money. After this, we need time...time to reevaluate our lives. Hopefully, Pat will be in a PhD program and hopefully, we can move on if God doesn't have this in his plan.

Not Sure Where to Go From Here

So we met with the RE today. He really didn't have any answers. Basically he just told us about the risks of injectibles (multiples, over-stimulating, cancer, etc). Then the nurse taught us how to do the shots (didn't seem too difficult). All in all, the appointment was fine, but it wasn't what i expected and Pat doesn't seem too happy about any of this. He gets nervous so easily about things and is more worried that this could hurt me than anything. And I definitely understand...

I just don't know where to go from here. Pat said he wants to think about it tonight and talk about it tomorrow. I just don't know what we could possibly do. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world, I just don't know how far I want to go. I think I would do anything, but when should we stop. I thought by the time I was 25 I would have a baby or at least be pregnant. I know I have plenty of time still, but the thought of taking a break from this scares me. I think if we decide not to pursue the injectibles, I would need to take a long break from this. Jumping into the treatments and out of the treatments does not seem to be something my body likes or my emotions for that matter. I told Pat if we stopped "trying," it would probably be for a year. I can't imagine waiting potentially another 2 years (1 year off, time to get pregnant, and the 9mos of actally being pregnant) until I was a mother. I think I would be a different person...

Maybe thats what I need to do. Be a different person. Maybe God has other things in mind for me now. And because of this, I find myself trying to get back to a stronger relationship with God and my faith. I know I need my faith right now, I just find it so hard to know that Pat and I are being put through this. When I talked to Pat and tell him I'm mad at God - he told me he's never been mad and never questioned Him. This is so surprising since he has been through so much in his life. It made me realize that I need to stop questioning why we are going through this, and just start believing there is a reason and start asking for support, rather than focusing all my energy on being angry. So this is where I am right now. I've turned it over to God to help me make this decision. I know this struggle will be well worth it and that God has great things waiting for us. I know I need to start living my life and letting the infertility not be so consuming. But where does this leave us? Do we do the treatments or take the break? Maybe over the next week something will come to me.

So Cute

So, we have our appointment with the RE tomorrow to discuss the next step and possibly get some answers. Pat is so cute, though. He was getting his hair cut today and the woman cutting his hair was talking about how his daughter (or son) would have a caulic just like his. He said he was sitting there thinking, I just made a baby last night, I know we did. It was the cutest thing ever. He was in the car and got on the phone to tell me he doesn't think we need to go to the doctor tomorrow because we made a baby and don't need to do all this stuff. Then he said he was sad because he wanted to make a baby like normal couples. It was so cute...but I so know what he means. I never dreamt that I would be getting pregnant at a doctor's office. I so hope he is right and that this is one of those feelings that we get, and that it all comes true. I hope tomorrow's appointment doesn't even matter.

A New Day

So I've decided to start this blog as a means to express my thoughts and get everything out. After the past few months, I've decided I need an outlet so I don't keep everything bottled up, as everyone thinks I do. This first post will probably be pretty long, so I can tell my story, but I promise they won't ever be this long again (I hope).

Patrick and I started a new chapter in our lives pretty much right after the wedding, which most people will think of as crazy, but I now feel it was a blessing that we started so soon. In August of 2006 we started TTC. We weren't in a hurry, but felt like it was the right time for us, since I was working from home and Pat was taking classes. We wanted a baby in the summer so Pat would have 3 months off and so we could get adjusted. Little did we know that planning something like this wasn't as easy as it seemed. I think Pat's dad has said before, "We make plans, and God laughs." This is so true for us. So we went about our lives as if everything was fine. Doctors say that it can take up to 1 year for perfectly healthy couples to conceive. And I accepted this to a point, however, after going off of BCP my cycles never regulated. I would have to take Provera every three months for AF to show. So at my annual exam, I talked to my doctor and she kind of blew us off and said call me in three months for Provera again. She was convinced it would happen on its own. Three months later I was back and asking her to do something. I was hoping for some testing, but as most OB-GYNs do, she prescribed Clomid and asked me to come back in a month with my temperature charts. I didn't O on my own at all and got major headaches.

So, after three months of Clomid and finally 1 year down, I was able to call the RE. In September, I met with him and he was great. He set up all our tests: bloodwork, SA, HSG, and u/s. He also decided to start me on Femara, instead of Clomid because of the headaches I was getting. I started the Femara in October. And all of our tests came back normal, which was great, but still no real reason for my not to be Oing on my own. The Femara helped me O the first cycle and we did TI, but no baby. In November, I used Femara, but we also did an IUI instead of TI. I was so optimistic this cycle after seeing so many women get BFPs after their HSG and first IUI. Unfortunately, this cycle didn't work either. So we took a break of the holidays, since we were planning on traveling and wouldn't have time for all the monitoring. It was definitely a well deserved break, after being thrown into this TTTC world.

So during this break, I was cautiously optimistic. I had signs that I O'd on my own, but after a long cycle, I realized this hadn't acutally happened. It was just my body playing tricks again. So after taking Provera again to induce AF, I started my third cycle with Femara. We were going to do our 2nd IUI and this time use a trigger shot to help. Although I was scared out of my mind about giving myself a shot, this seemed to be hopeful cycle. But after two u/s with no follicle growth, the cycle was cancelled. I was crushed, devastated and confused. The doctor had wanted us to try a massive dose of Femara for the upcoming cycle, and then move onto injectibles. With the interest of time in mind, we decided to move straight to injectibles. Pat's insurance through the school runs out the end of May we think, so we wanted to get a few more cycles in before having to move and possibly not have insurance for a little while. (On a side note, NY has amazing infertility coverage - they cover all testing, meds, and treatment, excluding IVF, but compared to other states this is great...I will hate to have to leave).

So this takes us up to present day. We are meeting with the RE on Thursday, Valentines Day of all days, to learn about injectibles and where to go from here. This is the first time I will see the RE since our very first appointment. So I'm excited to hear what he has to say, as well as possibly get some insight into what he may think is going on.

I've officially moved past my stressed and angry state, and moved back into a hopeful yet fearful state. I was originally very worried about taking this next step. When I started this entire process, this was something that I really was hesitant about. I do not like needles and now I have to give myself shots for several nights. I was also hesitant about not having a real reason for taking all these meds. I am not someone who likes taking pills for no reason. And even though I know they are helping me in some way achieve my dream of being a mother, it is still a scary thing. However, I'm optimistic that the doctor will have something to tell us to give us more hope and more reason to be doing all these things to my body. I know this is the right decision and just hope that I can have peace once we meet with the doctor.