A New Day

So I've decided to start this blog as a means to express my thoughts and get everything out. After the past few months, I've decided I need an outlet so I don't keep everything bottled up, as everyone thinks I do. This first post will probably be pretty long, so I can tell my story, but I promise they won't ever be this long again (I hope).

Patrick and I started a new chapter in our lives pretty much right after the wedding, which most people will think of as crazy, but I now feel it was a blessing that we started so soon. In August of 2006 we started TTC. We weren't in a hurry, but felt like it was the right time for us, since I was working from home and Pat was taking classes. We wanted a baby in the summer so Pat would have 3 months off and so we could get adjusted. Little did we know that planning something like this wasn't as easy as it seemed. I think Pat's dad has said before, "We make plans, and God laughs." This is so true for us. So we went about our lives as if everything was fine. Doctors say that it can take up to 1 year for perfectly healthy couples to conceive. And I accepted this to a point, however, after going off of BCP my cycles never regulated. I would have to take Provera every three months for AF to show. So at my annual exam, I talked to my doctor and she kind of blew us off and said call me in three months for Provera again. She was convinced it would happen on its own. Three months later I was back and asking her to do something. I was hoping for some testing, but as most OB-GYNs do, she prescribed Clomid and asked me to come back in a month with my temperature charts. I didn't O on my own at all and got major headaches.

So, after three months of Clomid and finally 1 year down, I was able to call the RE. In September, I met with him and he was great. He set up all our tests: bloodwork, SA, HSG, and u/s. He also decided to start me on Femara, instead of Clomid because of the headaches I was getting. I started the Femara in October. And all of our tests came back normal, which was great, but still no real reason for my not to be Oing on my own. The Femara helped me O the first cycle and we did TI, but no baby. In November, I used Femara, but we also did an IUI instead of TI. I was so optimistic this cycle after seeing so many women get BFPs after their HSG and first IUI. Unfortunately, this cycle didn't work either. So we took a break of the holidays, since we were planning on traveling and wouldn't have time for all the monitoring. It was definitely a well deserved break, after being thrown into this TTTC world.

So during this break, I was cautiously optimistic. I had signs that I O'd on my own, but after a long cycle, I realized this hadn't acutally happened. It was just my body playing tricks again. So after taking Provera again to induce AF, I started my third cycle with Femara. We were going to do our 2nd IUI and this time use a trigger shot to help. Although I was scared out of my mind about giving myself a shot, this seemed to be hopeful cycle. But after two u/s with no follicle growth, the cycle was cancelled. I was crushed, devastated and confused. The doctor had wanted us to try a massive dose of Femara for the upcoming cycle, and then move onto injectibles. With the interest of time in mind, we decided to move straight to injectibles. Pat's insurance through the school runs out the end of May we think, so we wanted to get a few more cycles in before having to move and possibly not have insurance for a little while. (On a side note, NY has amazing infertility coverage - they cover all testing, meds, and treatment, excluding IVF, but compared to other states this is great...I will hate to have to leave).

So this takes us up to present day. We are meeting with the RE on Thursday, Valentines Day of all days, to learn about injectibles and where to go from here. This is the first time I will see the RE since our very first appointment. So I'm excited to hear what he has to say, as well as possibly get some insight into what he may think is going on.

I've officially moved past my stressed and angry state, and moved back into a hopeful yet fearful state. I was originally very worried about taking this next step. When I started this entire process, this was something that I really was hesitant about. I do not like needles and now I have to give myself shots for several nights. I was also hesitant about not having a real reason for taking all these meds. I am not someone who likes taking pills for no reason. And even though I know they are helping me in some way achieve my dream of being a mother, it is still a scary thing. However, I'm optimistic that the doctor will have something to tell us to give us more hope and more reason to be doing all these things to my body. I know this is the right decision and just hope that I can have peace once we meet with the doctor.