37w1d - Preeclampsia

So I went for my weekly appointment on Monday and things got a little hectic. My fluid check was good and baby was moving perfectly for the NST. But my bloodpressure was really high, protein in my urine and my relfexs were hyperactive. This means that I have preeclampsia. Doctor immediately put me on bedrest and assured me that since I am full term now, everything will be fine. But yesterday I started getting the headaches that come with the high b/p and my b/p was even higher than it was on Monday. So I went in for a check and they sent me to L&D to get bloodwork done, since the tests they ran on Monday wouldn't be back until the end of the week and they wanted to get the results back stat to see what was going on. Luckily, the b/w came back pretty good and my b/p started coming down a little. I'm still having a constant headache that doesn't go away and my b/p is borderline high. But for now I'm sitting tight until my appointment tomorrow - my regular NST and now b/p check. I'm hoping if its still high, we'll get some answers about the next steps and that I won't have to wait to meet with a doctor on Monday. I'd hate to go all weekend feeling like this and being worried. Just when I thought we were in the clear...oh well. As long as Paige is doing great, which she is - constantly moving, kicking, and whatever else she does. I guess thats the good thing about her being smaller, I still feel her moving around so much. Usually around this time, it starts to slow down and not feel like this. I'll try and keep you updated after tomorrow's appt.

34w2d

Ok, I know I have pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, but things got busy with working and the baby. Last time, I posted we had just moved into our new apartment and Pat was looking for a new job, and we were scheduled for our big u/s.

So where are we now? I'll start with a life update and then get into baby news. I'm still working at the same place and we are still living in the same apt (although we have thought several times about moving because of some issues, but they're getting better now). Patrick found a new job in NJ, about 30 mins away and is much happier...regular hours, regular people and good pay and benefits. He works Tues-Sat 9-6pm, which will be great when the baby comes - he'll be able to stay with her on Mondays. I'll be going to a schedule of working from home 3 days a week, so we'll only have 1 day a week that we will need childcare - whether its family or daycare, we havent decided yet. Patrick is also getting ready to apply to grad schools again, so we'll be busy doing applications before the baby comes. Work has been busy for me and its been hard to balance work and trying to relax, but its getting a little better now. Otherwise, things are as calm as can be expected.

Now for baby news. We're having a girl, which I think most of you know by now. Her name will be Paige Eireland and we're so excited. She has been doing great. She's in the small percentile when we go monthly for growth scans, but she is perfectly healthy and very active. She does not sit still much. At 32w, I started going for NSTs to monitor her heart rate and any contractions I might be having, as a precaution to the low hormone level they found in my blood around 19w. I also go for weekly fluid checks because of this. Around this time, I started having some mild contractions and the doctor sent us to labor and delivery for some extra monitoring, but there was no activity thankfully, just a possible infection that could have triggered the contractions. I finally was feeling better and things seemed quiet, but when I went in for my usual NST the last two times, I've had contractions that showed up on the monitor. The first time, the doctor was fine with it, but this second time, they seemed concerned and sent us for our third trip to L&D. Again, no activity and no signs of labor except for the contractions. I seem to be having contractions on a daily basis from about 12-bedtime. They're really not painful and are most likely Braxton Hicks, but the doctor still seemed worried. I go back on Monday for more monitoring. Today's appt showed no contractions, but it was first thing in the morning so its to be expected. Everyone keeps saying she'll be here by Thanksgiving and now my dad has went so far as to say 11/6 - 4w before my due date! I want her to stay in there and grow a little more. I'd be happy going to my due date and maybe even a little longer. As uncomfortable as I may get, it is for the best.

But if she does come early, I think we're ready.


My shower was now about 4w ago - I can't believe it. With everything thats been going on, I just now got my thank you notes out. I can't believe it. I had them written right away, but no addresses. Here are a few pics - it was hard to get good pictures since so many people were there, but it was so beautiful and we got so many amazing gifts for Paige. We're doing a turtle theme in the nursery so that is why there are turtles on the cake!














And we finally have the nursery done. I dont have any pictures yet, but will try to take some this weekend. The room is tiny and lighting is difficult. But we used the CoCoLa Turtle Bay bedding and it looks so amazing in the room. I got a recliner that rocks for a great price, and we used my dresser/changing table from when I was a baby. Everything came together so great.

Finally, some maternity pictures. I really wanted pictures, but didn't want to pay alot. So my dad and my aunt took us to the park this past weekend when the leaves were changing and got some amazing pics. These are just a few of my faves.













So thats it for now. Sorry again about not updating - I'll try to be better now that things are moving along!

19w2d - Lots Going On

Ok, let's start with the easier stuff and work down. We're officially moved into our new place. Pat and my dad basically moved everything in with some help from my cousins. We have all our necessities in and of course I've got the place decorated since I can't stand not living in a place that looks like our home. We're definitely short on closet space and have too much furniture since we downgraded from a 3br to a 2br. Its coming together, but I wish it was done. We still need to bring a few more things here to get settled. Otherwise, the place is nice. We had to deal with carpets that Pat says smell and way too many spiders on the ceiling in the bathroom. But it all seems to have resolved itself.

Our new car is great, but hard on gas - to be expected with a jeep though. Otherwise its great. However, my car, the Mazda, got broken into on Saturday. They broke the drivers window and stole our stereo. It happened while Pat is at work, so luckily his boss is paying the deductible for us, which is nice. But Pat is more dedicated to finding a new job now, since the place really isn't safe.

Now onto the baby side of things. Our appt last week went great. No issues, just heard the heartbeat, did some bloodwork, and scheduled our big u/s for the end of the month. This Tuesday though I had some pain in my left side and was feeling really anxious. So I went to the docs again. All was well. The pain was unrelated to the anxiousness - it was round ligament pain. And the anxiousness was probably a combination of stress, heat, and some other stuff. So that was fine. But then yesterday I got a call about my bloodwork results. The genetic aspect of the testing was fine, baby is healthy and great. But one of the hormone levels, estriol, was low and could mean the placenta is not getting enough nutrients to the baby. So they want me to start taking baby aspirin and doing monthly growth scans (u/s). I decided because of this to move my u/s up - so its scheduled for this coming Tuesday. I'm happy that they caught this and are going to be monitoring me (and of course that I get to see my baby monthly), however its so scary. I just want this little one to keep growing strong.

17w4d

I know I'm bad at blogging anymore. But it my defense, things have been busy. We were in serious apartment search mode and Pat's job has crazy hours. We just got back from a week long vacation with my parents at VA Beach. It was very necessary and I'm feeling much more relaxed. However, this week is going to be very busy and I'm already getting anxious. Not only do I have another OB appt on Tuesday. I'm so nervous. I'm not sure if I'm feeling the baby yet - I might be. I hope I am. I'm getting bigger, so thats a good sign. I will try and post a pic after Tuesday. Aside from the appt, we're also planning on moving on Tuesday since we found a place. We bought a new car today also, and this weekend is the 4th of July. Pat has a half day on Friday, but a full 12 hrs on Saturday. I know things will settle down once we're moved in. And hopefully on Tuesday we'll schedule our BIG u/s.

14w2d

Wow, I can't believe I'm 14w. It seems like things are going so slow but then it just hits you. We had our first OB appt yesterday. Lots of info and bloodwork...no u/s though. We did get to hear the heartbeat though - 161. Not as squirmy as last time but still moving around a bunch. I haven't put any weight on, so we're going food shopping with my parents this weekend to make sure there's enough here for me to eat. Otherwise all is well.

We're still with my parents right now. We've seen so many places, but I can't find one that is nice. It has never been this hard for us to find something. I'm trying to be patient, but its so hard living like this with our stuff all over the place. Other than that, things are quiet.

12w2d - Update

We're officially moved back to PA. Half of our stuff is with us at my parents and the rest is in the basement of my wonderful aunt. I've had to go into the office more for work and the baby is not liking the early mornings. I'm still getting some mild nausea and throw up once in awhile, especially early mornings when the baby wants to keep sleeping. Other than that, we have our first OB appt June 4th - its late, but I had to wait for my new insurance to kick in. Everything seems to be going well besides still being sick. My baby bump is starting to get bigger - that or its all the ice cream I'm eating (its all i've been wanting to eat). I seriously need to find some new work clothes since nothing really fits and even my shirts are getting small. They're not long enough to cover my bella band when I wear it. Shopping trip I guess!

Pat found a job already that is great, and still is waiting to hear about a teaching job in the area. We've started looking for apartments, but I'd like to hold off til July 1st if we can to see what our new paychecks look like and get a budget together. Nothing else going on - its cold and rainy here, but warm weather is expected this weekend. Let's hope so. I'll try to update more now that I'm feeling better and not sleeping as much.

9w2d - Best Husband Ever

Seriously, my husband is the best. I have not been pleasant or very nice and he just keeps doing things to help me out. I am nauseous all day long and the only time I get relief is when I sleep (and of course, my boss is extremely busy right now). I honestly haven't done ANYTHING around this house in close to 3 weeks. He has been cooking (to the best of his ability), running to the store daily (because we can't meal plan since I am so sick), cleaning, and just being all around great. On top of that, he bought me 27 Dresses the day it came out AND watched it with me last night. He really is amazing, and I already knew that, but its so much more now.

On a side note, I FEEL awful because we had to cancel our Toronto trip because we don't think I'd b e very much fun, since the baby barely gives me 2 hrs of peace anymore. But on a plus side, we'll be going broke, since eating out does seem to settle the nausea, since I can choose on the spot what I want to eat and I don't have to come home to a house that smells of food (horrible!!).

8w

Ok, so I'm going by the count the doctor is using, so I'm officially 8 weeks today, even though I'm really only 7w4d because of how late I ovulated. But instead of confusing myself, I'll go with what the doctor is using and just expect to be a few days late.

As for the ultrasound, it was perfect, baby is measuring a little behind, but by my calculations - right on track! We got to see the heartbeat - 151 beats per minute! So perfect!! I'm so excited and know that being as sick as I am will all be worth it. Now I need to find an OB back in PA and set up an appt for when I get there. I've technically graduated from the RE, but since I'm not going to see an OB in Buffalo, he will be who I call until I leave if there are any issues.

And on the morning sickness end of things, I'm still nauseous ALL day long with very little relief. I'm still not throwing up and I'm so grateful. But I went to acupuncture last night and it was no help. She recommended sea bands, but I've heard mixed reviews. I guess anything is worth a shot right now. I just love food so much and I don't know why this little one doesn't like it.

On the moving end, we started packing, but I feel like its going to take forever and this weekend is our last free weekend and then we have plans every weekend after. The plan is to move back to PA for the summer and most likely the winter depending on where Pat gets a job. He really wants me around our families at this time. So the move is scheduled for mid-May.

6w5d - I Know its Been Awhile

Things were pretty uneventful after we finally found the pumpkin. At night, I would only feel a little nauseous because of lingering smells wherever we were. But then while we were in Philadelphia this past weekend for a conference for Pat, morning sickness hit full on. I did not want to eat anything and everything was making me feel sick. So since Saturday, the little pumpkin has decided that food isn't so good. I haven't thrown up, but I am constantly nauseous. Yesterday, I had some crackers and Gatorade and took a B6 vitamin - I had 4 full hours of comfort and was able to grab some real food for dinner, but then it started right back up. I know not eating is part of the problem, but I don't feel good when I eat and I don't feel good when I do eat. I called the doctors office today and got the mean nurse. She said there is nothing they can give me, which I know is a lie - there are some things out there that could provide a little relief. I guess since I'm not actually throwing anything up, I don't warrant a pill to help me. Its not like I really want to take something because I don't, but I just want to make sure the baby is getting everything needed and right now I feel like the baby is not getting enough nutritional food.

Anyway, I guess I only have 6 more weeks from what I've read and heard. With trying to start packing these next few weeks, though, I hope I can be of some help to Pat. And on a great note, we get to see the little pumpkin on Monday and hopefully see and hear the little beating heart. I feel like this will all be real then. With all the scares we had in the beginning, this will be so amazing.

Our Little Pumpkin

5w1d

We found the baby!! Well, really the gestational sac, but its there and in the right spot! I'm so happy and relieved. I barely slept last night thinking about everything that coul happen today. Now I feel like I can really celebrate. We go back in 2 weeks to see the heartbeat!

4w6d - Update

The numbers are where they should be. Next ultrasound is Saturday, so hopefully we'll be able to see the little pumpkin!

4w6d - There is Hope

We *may* have seen the baby. The nurse seriously did the ultrasound for about 20 minutes, but she was not giving up til she found something. And right at the end, she found what possibly could be the sac. Its still really tiny, but we're all hopeful that its the baby. The doctor came in and said his gut is telling him that this is the baby and that everything will be ok. I know he was so serious, but of course still had to mention the ectopic. I went for more b/w today to see if the levels went up. I hope they did. The nurse mentioned that since the levels were so high originally and since we couldn't find anything at first, that we possibly could have had two, but now only have one. I pray that this is the case (or that there are still 2 little ones). I just have to keep remembering that "Life is fragile, but Hope is Strong." Please pray for our little pumpkin (thats what Pat is calling her/him). Everything about this process has been slow and steady, so hopefully that is the case here.

4w5d - Update

The numbers didn't quite double since Monday. I go back tomorrow for an ultrasound. Hopefully, we will be able to see something.

4w5d

Some uncertain and unsettling news today at the doctors...they couldn't find the gestational sac. Everyone was really great and supportive. They're telling me there could be a few reasons for this. The first is that it just may be too early and I have a baby that is taking its time developing, the second is that there could be multiples (I'm not sure why this would take longer to see, but apparently, it does), and finally, it could be an ectopic pregnancy. I went for more bloodwork today and go back tomorrow for an ultrasound. I hope my numbers are still doubling and that everything is ok. The doctor said it could only take a day to see something. I was totally panicked and still am a bit, but I don't have any symptoms of an ectopic - no bleeding, cramping, or pain. In fact the only symptoms I have of this pregnancy are sore breasts and constant hunger. I actually told Pat last night that there has to be two in there, since I don't think I'm supposed to be as hungry as I am. I pray that that is what is going on here. I'm hoping I went early enought for b/w today that I'll get a call back with results later this afternoons, if not I'll have to wait until tomorrow to hear anything at all. Please keep your fingers crossed and keep us in your prayers.

4w3d

Beta #2 came back strong. The nurse didn't tell me the numbers this time, but she said the numbers increased as they wanted it to. I didn't even think to ask for the number, I was just so excited. I get to go for a u/s on Wednesday and meet with the doctor. I can't believe its so soon. I'm so happy.

I have to admit that I was a little nervous for the results today. I had a little bit of spotting on Saturday night and I was completely freaked out. So I'm really glad I get to have a u/s so early. I can't believe this is finally happening!

4 Weeks Pregnant!

Yes, its official! The nurse just called about an hour ago and I'm pregnant. Beta was 316, which she says is very strong - they looks for something around 100-200. I'm so excited and can't believe this is finally happening! I go on Monday for a repeat to make sure everything is ok, which I know it is!

5.5 Hours

I went for my beta this morning. My arm is killing me. The lady did it from the side of my arm and its already bruising. I don't know why she didn't just use the vein thats right in the middle. Oh well, this will all be worth it in 5.5 hours when I get to call for my results. I can't wait til 2:30...at least I should be busy today.

First Day of Not Testing

It was very hard not testing this morning, but I'm out of HPTs and really I just needed a relaxing day. I know I'm pregnant - I FEEL pregnant and as I told Pat last night, my boobs are still sore, which has been the main symptom this entire time. So I feel good about my beta tomorrow and I can't wait to go. Until then...

Update - Get to Go for Beta

The doctor's office is letting me go for my beta on Friday - yay!!

12dpIUI

Yep, another positive!!! Yay!! And it was a digital this time - its so neat seeing the word Pregnant there. So, I broke down and called the RE's office to see if they will let me go on Friday. I'm going to tell them I can't make it on Monday and that I've been getting positives since Monday. I hope they will let me. I don't think I could stand the weekend not "officially" knowing. Pat won't let me tell anyone until I get the beta results. I understand why - its just so hard not talking about this to my mom. I did tell my sister though - she lives in SC and when I tell her not to say anything, she's usually good about it. And I don't think she's ruin this surprise, but I HAD to tell someone. I was going crazy. Keep your fingers crossed that the nurse I get on the phone is cooperative!

11dpIUI

I got another BFP and the line is a little darker. I know thats not supposed to mean anything, but it was so reassuring! I think this is it!! However, the doctor's office won't let me go for my beta until Monday still. They said that it could potentially be the trigger still and they don't want to take any chances. I wasn't too happy and this totally freaked me out yesterday, but today's postive reassures me that everything is going good. I'll post more during the week as I try and stay calm. Its not going to be easy!

10dpIUI

I can't believe this! I got a BFN yesterday at 9dpiui, which was fine. It was really early and basically I wanted to know that the trigger was out. And I'm thinking its out because today I got two BFPs!!! I can't believe I'm saying this. I never thought this would happen! I've been so positive this time though. I'm trying to stay calm and cautious, but I'm so excited! I called RE to see if I can get in early for a beta - I'm not supposed to go til next Monday and I can't wait that long. I'm waiting for a call back. Now I'm waiting for Patrick to get home to tell him!! I'm on the phone with him now and its killing me not telling him. But I want to do it in person. I'll keep you updated!

Getting around to Posting

Well as I mentioned in my last post, I had my IUI on Friday. It seems so long ago, but its only been 4 days. The IUI, itself, went fine - catheter went in and DH had amazing counts. However, during the scan, the nurse found alot of follicles on the right side and 3 bigger ones on the left. I know this is great, but that explained why I was so uncomfortable beforehand. The pain got even worse after the IUI. I asked her if it should be this bad and she gave me some Tylenol to take to manage the pain. She told me to take it easy because with all the follicles, my ovary could twist and I'd have to come back in. Between Friday and Sunday, I could barely walk. I would have to hunch over to feel any comfort. The last two days have been better and I'm feeling really hopeful. I've been eating pineapple the last 4 days, and this is a first for me. The core of the pineapple is supposed to help with implantation. I just feel like this is it for us. I really feel like I could get pregnant. So many girls on TTTC on the Nest have gotten pregnant in the past two weeks, including my TTTC sister. I'm so excited!! And I'm hoping this good vibe stays around long enough for me to get my BFP. I'm going to try and wait til my beta which is scheduled for 3/31. By then I should know if its a BFP, since they said injectibles will shorten my LP. It will be so hard not to test next week, but I'm going try...

Finally get to Trigger

After 13 long days of Gonal F shots, I finally get to do my very last shot for the cycle - the trigger shot. I am so excited! I have two follies - a 20 and 18. I also have lots of smaller ones on the right. This is huge! I have never seen 1 follie, let alone two that are ready to pop. This has got to be it. Things are finally working. So, IUI is scheduled for Friday morning. I think Pat is going to come with me. I never really thought about it until someone on the Nest said their DH is there with her so he is in the room when a baby is being made. I never even thought of that! It will be so amazing to have him there with me and apart of this process. Don't get me wrong, it will still be kind of weird having him there in the room with me, but weirdness aside, I think this will make a huge impact.

Aside from the bruising on my stomach (from the injectibles), arms (from blood-draws every other day), and huge amount of bloat, I am feeling fine and as you can tell, completely hopeful and optimistic about this cycle. I've been doing everything I can - even visualizing being pregnant and having the baby here with us. I know this sounds weird, but it worked for another girl, and at this point, I would try anything.

Great Birthday & Getting Back into Things

After last weekend's amazing Melting Pot trip, how could things get better? Well, they did. The week went pretty good and I was in a great mood since my parents were coming. On Thursday, my birthday, Pat got me lunch from our favorite little deli. Then I went out with some Upstate Nesties to Butterwood, a desert place. It was so cute and we had some great deserts, and some interesting sax music. It was definitely a fun time! Friday my parents got in and we took them to Wild Wings, since my dad likes it there. Saturday we had some good Italian for lunch and then went to this cute little restaurant we found last year called La Tee Da. There are probably only about 10 tables in the place, but the ambiance there is amazing and the food is amazing. They have all sorts of food and homemade deserts. Needless to say, it was such a fun night. And to top off the weekend, Buffalo got a huge snowstorm. I know most people will not like me for this, but I have been wanting a big storm all winter. We really didn't have a big storm this year near us and all I wanted was some good snow. I think my mom was excited for the snow too, since she loves it too. We were able to get around find in the snow and the roads were clear by the time my parents had to go hope. So it worked our perfectly.

As for my cycle...things have been going good. I went for a scan on Friday and had some small follies on one side and one bigger one and some smaller ones on the other side. I go for another scan tomorrow. I'm hoping I'll be able to trigger tomorrow night. I've now done 11 nights of injectibles and I'm ready for the 2ww to start. I got my pineapple at the store today and am ready to enjoy a pretty laid back week.

Melting Pot

So I just had to detail our experience at the Melting Pot since it was so amazing! Pat told me last week where we were going for my birthday dinner and I was so excited. I've been dropping hints since I found out they were opening. So we got to the restaurant and he gives our name for the reservation. They start walking us through the main dining room and back through these hallways and the rooms are getting smaller and smaller and then we turn a corner and there is this little room with a booth and table. The table had balloons and a card on it. It was the cutest thing ever!!! The private room was so cute and made me feel so special. It was kind of nice too, since we had never had fondue or done anything like this, so we didn't have to worry about being silly or not knowing how things worked. Our waitress was awesome and explained everything. We wound up doing the whole big thing - we got the cheese fondue (cheddar cheese with lager and garlic mixed in - AMAZING!!!, although very filling), the salad (it was a salad, probably not the best, but i barely ate any of it since i was saving room), then the Entree. We got chicken, teriyaki sirloin, filet mignon, shrimp and fish, which we cooked in a broth and red wine and garlic. This came with every type of sauce you could imagine. Pat was in heaven since he loved dipping sauces. My favorite was definitely the teriyaki sirloin. And finally, my favorite part of the night, the chocolate!! We ordered the original chocolate fondue which is milk chocolate with crunchy peanut butter. This came with so many things to dip with - cheesecake, brownies, pound cake, strawberries, bananas, and marshmallows covered in graham crackers and oreo cookies. You would think that with all this food there would be no room to eat any of this - but we finished the entire desert plate!! Honestly, it was the best desert I had ever had. And as I mentioned, we were able to finish it. Really, we were stuffed, but there was so much time in between the courses, we really didn't notice how full we were getting. The night was finished with the hostess taking a picture of us at our table and then brought the photo out in a nice melting pot frame. This was probably one of the best times I've had. It was just such a great experience and I recommend anyone who can go - GO!!! You will not be disappointed!

Not Going so Well

So after two nights of injections, I found myself with a horrible migraine. It started out as a headache as we were going to dinner last night and by the time we came home, I was in so much pain. I've had migraines before, but this was too much. I was in tears it hurt so bad and couldn't fall asleep or get comfortable. Finally, after 3 tylenol and 2 excedrin (per my mom, the nurse's ok) a cold compress, and 3 hours of tossing and turning, it finally went away. I woke up this morning with just an aching, but now I feel like its coming back again. I took some tylenol earlier and now some excedrin, so hopefully this will keep the migraine away for the evening. But after the horrible night I had, I called the doctor to see if this is normal, since I had migraines when I was on clomid. He said that it couldn't be related to the new meds, but I seem to think he's wrong (as does my mom). And now that its starting again today, I believe even more that this is related to the meds. This does not make me happy because I can't handle this everyday for the next week or so. How will I get through a day?? Pat has already said that if I get another migraine, we are stopping the drugs. This would be it...this would be our last chance and of course, my body can't handle it. I really hope my body adjusts and that I just am able to push through these next few days. I'm not ready to give up yet...

On a side note, we're going to the Melting Pot tonight to celebrate my birthday early just the two of us. I hope a migraine doesn't ruin the night. I just want to enjoy this!

I Did It!!

I gave myself my first injection. I called in to the doctor's office at 3:30 like I was supposed and got the dosage for the next few days. And I was doing ok all day, staying calm and thinking I could do it. But as I was getting everything ready and got the needle out, I started getting really worked up. It took me about 2 minutes to talk myself into it (it seemed like forever though) and I finally did it. It really wasn't too bad, but I still didn't like it. I iced the spot beforehand for a few minutes and did everything they taught me. It still hurt a bit and already has a tiny little bruise. I'm so proud of myself though. I never thought I would be able to do anything like this. I can't stand needles and even this morning as I was getting bloodwork, I still couldn't look when they do it. Oh well, I don't think I'll ever get used to this, but I am even more positive than before that this will work!!

Starting Over

Well my new cycle is starting up. I'm ready to start this craziness again, I'm just anxious for everything. It seems like these first two weeks will be so consumed with bloodwork, appts for ultrasounds, and trying to give myself these shots. No wonder those dealing with IF are so stressed. When everyday you have something to worry about or some appt to deal with, I can see how our lives can be so consumed with everything IF. This is something I'm going to try hard to avoid. I want these next two weeks to be as normal as possible. My birthday is next week. Patrick and I are starting the celebration early this weekend with a trip to the Melting Pot, which I am dying to try out. I think its going to be so much fun. Then my parents will be here the following weekend to celebrate and then the week after is St. Patrick's Day. I love the month of March so much, so hopefully all these distractions will keep my mind off everything and in a positive mood.

Definitely Not Pregnant

I went for my beta today. The doctor makes me confirm I'm not pregnant before starting Provera. I totally understand, but it doesn't make getting blood drawn any easier. I hate the experience. I hate that I have to hope that someone who knows what they're doing will draw my blood, I hate the waiting for the phone call from the nurse, and I hate that I actually think that a miracle has happened and I'm pregnant even though I know I did not ovulate. Anyway, I got lucky and got the older lady and not the new girl (who when I got there was having a hard time getting a poor lady's blood and kept apologizing). So thankfully, the older lady did it without a problem. Its still sore and will probably bruise, but not like the last time when this man totally bruised my arm up and down for weeks. It looked like I had been in a fight it was so bad.

So I sat here for 3 hours impatiently waiting for the nurse to call. I sat here getting myself excited thinking that the doctor's office had missed something earlier in the month and that maybe I did ovulate and we timed our random BDing perfectly. Finally, the phone rang at 3:30 with the answer I knew was coming but was still dreading...Not Pregnant. I hear it every month, but yet I still have reason to hope that something will be different. I like that I have hope...it keeps the innocence in this process. If I didn't have hope, I don't know how I would get through this. Being pessimistic has not gotten me anywhere and this is one thing that I truly need to be positive about. I'm so scared about this next step with injectibles, but I KNOW it will work. It has to work. I keep looking at this card my mom sent me that sits on my desk. It says, "Life is fragile, but Hope is Strong." I have to believe this.

Sick & Cranky

So, all weekend I was sick with a cough and sore throat. I was starting to feel better Sunday, but woke up Monday feeling even worse with congestion and couldn't breath. I don't even know how I got sick. That was the start to a rough day. Pat had a horrible time at school and had little things that kept going wrong, and when he came home it passed on to me. When I called to set up delivery of the meds for this cycle, they told me I had an $800 copay!! That was a huge surprise and they went on to tell me that my plan has a $2,500 cap on prescriptions, which was contrary to what the nurse told me at the REs. When I looked over the insurance materials, I saw that there really is a cap. So I called back wondering what the price of the 2 meds were and no one understood what I was looking for. They kept telling me how much I was responsible for...finally a woman got on who was a fertility specialist and understood what I meant, but was not very nice. It turns out that the nurse ordered 10 pens of the Gonal F since she had thought I had unlimited cap on prescriptions. Ok...that makes sense. (On a side note, the total cost of the 10 pens of Gonal F and 1 Ovidrel shot was over $3,900 - WOW!). By this time the REs office was closed, so I would have to wait to get an answer on that. So then I decided to go to the urgent care center to get an antibiotic for this cold or whatever that I woke up with. I get there and realize that I forgot my wallet at home from when I was making phone calls to the insurance company. They won't see me without photo id/insurance cards. I even offered to have Pat email it and they wouldn't let me. So I drove to meet Pat half way with my wallet and went back to wait 1.5 hours to be seen for 2 minutes and the doctor telling me I should really have a doctor in Buffalo that I see regularly. Well, yeah, I know that, but its a little late now. He goes on to say that its expensive to be seen here. Ok, but I have insurance. So he told me I have a sinus infection...no, I don't, but who cares, he gave me an antibiotic that I wanted and sent me on my way. THEN I went outside to see that the lights were on in the jeep...just great. I was there for close to 2 hrs, and no one came in and said anything. Luckily it started!! So I drove home and got myself some Panera and went to sleep.

Today was a much better day compared to yesterday. I talked to the nurse at the REs office and she said to only get 5 pens and that was much better, only $1,100 - I only had to pay the $30 copay. I did wake up feeling better and am able to go fill my antibiotic to make sure I get better. I just don't know what it is about the end of the month, but it always feels like things just pile on. I can usually handle it, but yesterday with being sick and everything I was a mess. I'm so lucky to have Pat who just put me to bed and made sure I was ok. I really am lucky and I know that, I just need this luck to come through in other parts of my life as well.

So We Made a Decision

So, I talked to Pat tonight about his thoughts. He is still not 100%, but feels like he may never be 100%. We decided to do 2 injectibles cycles and that is it for a very long time. By May, we will be moving somewhere (not sure where yet) and we will have alot of time to think if we are not pregnant. So we will do a cycle in March and April and that is it...we do not want to do anymore cycles after this, and we definitely do not want to move on IVF. Moving on means that we will need to save alot of money. After this, we need time...time to reevaluate our lives. Hopefully, Pat will be in a PhD program and hopefully, we can move on if God doesn't have this in his plan.

Not Sure Where to Go From Here

So we met with the RE today. He really didn't have any answers. Basically he just told us about the risks of injectibles (multiples, over-stimulating, cancer, etc). Then the nurse taught us how to do the shots (didn't seem too difficult). All in all, the appointment was fine, but it wasn't what i expected and Pat doesn't seem too happy about any of this. He gets nervous so easily about things and is more worried that this could hurt me than anything. And I definitely understand...

I just don't know where to go from here. Pat said he wants to think about it tonight and talk about it tomorrow. I just don't know what we could possibly do. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world, I just don't know how far I want to go. I think I would do anything, but when should we stop. I thought by the time I was 25 I would have a baby or at least be pregnant. I know I have plenty of time still, but the thought of taking a break from this scares me. I think if we decide not to pursue the injectibles, I would need to take a long break from this. Jumping into the treatments and out of the treatments does not seem to be something my body likes or my emotions for that matter. I told Pat if we stopped "trying," it would probably be for a year. I can't imagine waiting potentially another 2 years (1 year off, time to get pregnant, and the 9mos of actally being pregnant) until I was a mother. I think I would be a different person...

Maybe thats what I need to do. Be a different person. Maybe God has other things in mind for me now. And because of this, I find myself trying to get back to a stronger relationship with God and my faith. I know I need my faith right now, I just find it so hard to know that Pat and I are being put through this. When I talked to Pat and tell him I'm mad at God - he told me he's never been mad and never questioned Him. This is so surprising since he has been through so much in his life. It made me realize that I need to stop questioning why we are going through this, and just start believing there is a reason and start asking for support, rather than focusing all my energy on being angry. So this is where I am right now. I've turned it over to God to help me make this decision. I know this struggle will be well worth it and that God has great things waiting for us. I know I need to start living my life and letting the infertility not be so consuming. But where does this leave us? Do we do the treatments or take the break? Maybe over the next week something will come to me.

So Cute

So, we have our appointment with the RE tomorrow to discuss the next step and possibly get some answers. Pat is so cute, though. He was getting his hair cut today and the woman cutting his hair was talking about how his daughter (or son) would have a caulic just like his. He said he was sitting there thinking, I just made a baby last night, I know we did. It was the cutest thing ever. He was in the car and got on the phone to tell me he doesn't think we need to go to the doctor tomorrow because we made a baby and don't need to do all this stuff. Then he said he was sad because he wanted to make a baby like normal couples. It was so cute...but I so know what he means. I never dreamt that I would be getting pregnant at a doctor's office. I so hope he is right and that this is one of those feelings that we get, and that it all comes true. I hope tomorrow's appointment doesn't even matter.

A New Day

So I've decided to start this blog as a means to express my thoughts and get everything out. After the past few months, I've decided I need an outlet so I don't keep everything bottled up, as everyone thinks I do. This first post will probably be pretty long, so I can tell my story, but I promise they won't ever be this long again (I hope).

Patrick and I started a new chapter in our lives pretty much right after the wedding, which most people will think of as crazy, but I now feel it was a blessing that we started so soon. In August of 2006 we started TTC. We weren't in a hurry, but felt like it was the right time for us, since I was working from home and Pat was taking classes. We wanted a baby in the summer so Pat would have 3 months off and so we could get adjusted. Little did we know that planning something like this wasn't as easy as it seemed. I think Pat's dad has said before, "We make plans, and God laughs." This is so true for us. So we went about our lives as if everything was fine. Doctors say that it can take up to 1 year for perfectly healthy couples to conceive. And I accepted this to a point, however, after going off of BCP my cycles never regulated. I would have to take Provera every three months for AF to show. So at my annual exam, I talked to my doctor and she kind of blew us off and said call me in three months for Provera again. She was convinced it would happen on its own. Three months later I was back and asking her to do something. I was hoping for some testing, but as most OB-GYNs do, she prescribed Clomid and asked me to come back in a month with my temperature charts. I didn't O on my own at all and got major headaches.

So, after three months of Clomid and finally 1 year down, I was able to call the RE. In September, I met with him and he was great. He set up all our tests: bloodwork, SA, HSG, and u/s. He also decided to start me on Femara, instead of Clomid because of the headaches I was getting. I started the Femara in October. And all of our tests came back normal, which was great, but still no real reason for my not to be Oing on my own. The Femara helped me O the first cycle and we did TI, but no baby. In November, I used Femara, but we also did an IUI instead of TI. I was so optimistic this cycle after seeing so many women get BFPs after their HSG and first IUI. Unfortunately, this cycle didn't work either. So we took a break of the holidays, since we were planning on traveling and wouldn't have time for all the monitoring. It was definitely a well deserved break, after being thrown into this TTTC world.

So during this break, I was cautiously optimistic. I had signs that I O'd on my own, but after a long cycle, I realized this hadn't acutally happened. It was just my body playing tricks again. So after taking Provera again to induce AF, I started my third cycle with Femara. We were going to do our 2nd IUI and this time use a trigger shot to help. Although I was scared out of my mind about giving myself a shot, this seemed to be hopeful cycle. But after two u/s with no follicle growth, the cycle was cancelled. I was crushed, devastated and confused. The doctor had wanted us to try a massive dose of Femara for the upcoming cycle, and then move onto injectibles. With the interest of time in mind, we decided to move straight to injectibles. Pat's insurance through the school runs out the end of May we think, so we wanted to get a few more cycles in before having to move and possibly not have insurance for a little while. (On a side note, NY has amazing infertility coverage - they cover all testing, meds, and treatment, excluding IVF, but compared to other states this is great...I will hate to have to leave).

So this takes us up to present day. We are meeting with the RE on Thursday, Valentines Day of all days, to learn about injectibles and where to go from here. This is the first time I will see the RE since our very first appointment. So I'm excited to hear what he has to say, as well as possibly get some insight into what he may think is going on.

I've officially moved past my stressed and angry state, and moved back into a hopeful yet fearful state. I was originally very worried about taking this next step. When I started this entire process, this was something that I really was hesitant about. I do not like needles and now I have to give myself shots for several nights. I was also hesitant about not having a real reason for taking all these meds. I am not someone who likes taking pills for no reason. And even though I know they are helping me in some way achieve my dream of being a mother, it is still a scary thing. However, I'm optimistic that the doctor will have something to tell us to give us more hope and more reason to be doing all these things to my body. I know this is the right decision and just hope that I can have peace once we meet with the doctor.