Definitely Not Pregnant

I went for my beta today. The doctor makes me confirm I'm not pregnant before starting Provera. I totally understand, but it doesn't make getting blood drawn any easier. I hate the experience. I hate that I have to hope that someone who knows what they're doing will draw my blood, I hate the waiting for the phone call from the nurse, and I hate that I actually think that a miracle has happened and I'm pregnant even though I know I did not ovulate. Anyway, I got lucky and got the older lady and not the new girl (who when I got there was having a hard time getting a poor lady's blood and kept apologizing). So thankfully, the older lady did it without a problem. Its still sore and will probably bruise, but not like the last time when this man totally bruised my arm up and down for weeks. It looked like I had been in a fight it was so bad.

So I sat here for 3 hours impatiently waiting for the nurse to call. I sat here getting myself excited thinking that the doctor's office had missed something earlier in the month and that maybe I did ovulate and we timed our random BDing perfectly. Finally, the phone rang at 3:30 with the answer I knew was coming but was still dreading...Not Pregnant. I hear it every month, but yet I still have reason to hope that something will be different. I like that I have hope...it keeps the innocence in this process. If I didn't have hope, I don't know how I would get through this. Being pessimistic has not gotten me anywhere and this is one thing that I truly need to be positive about. I'm so scared about this next step with injectibles, but I KNOW it will work. It has to work. I keep looking at this card my mom sent me that sits on my desk. It says, "Life is fragile, but Hope is Strong." I have to believe this.